No name
To know all is not to forgive all. It is to despise everybody. ~Quentin Crisp
Thursday, February 26, 2004
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg, sometimes things just BUG ME. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Wasn't that a lovely post? Perhaps later I'll feel like expressing myself further.
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Sunday, February 08, 2004
Internet sooooooooo screwed. Too apalled at the dastardlyness of no internet to be miffed at anyone. Shall continue that thread later if I so choose. Unless I only post that stuff on the autre blog. But yeah, hope you're all having a good ol' time. Missing everyone. Goodbye! :D
Friday, February 06, 2004
On second thought, why should I care? It's kindof pointless to worry about something you have absolutely no control over. This person just isn't worth it, because if they take no regard to how you feel then why should you care? It's not like being in pain is going to help the situation any. I mean, it'll hurt for a while but in the long run I won't be constantly depressed like usual these days if I just get over it. It can only hurt you if you let it right? Right, the trouble is getting myself to believe that. The good news is, I think I DO believe it, I just realized for myself how true that is and by realizing for myself I have understood it. This can only be a good thing. Seriously, it's gonna sound incredibly freakish, but I fell clean and fresh and totally light-hearted, the change came in seconds. From feeling completely useless and depressed to feeling...happy? I hardly dare to say it, it's been so long since I've actually been happy. There have been so many times that I've wished 'you-know-who' would never have come here. Because really they're the cause of all this. Before they came, you could have asked me if I'd ever been sad for more than half an hour at a time and I'd probably have been unable to fathom sadness for longer than that. Not even when my grandma died. I mean, of course I was sad, but not this heart-wrenching, all you ever think about, taking control of your life utter despair. I had never contemplated suicide before in my life, with the coming of you-know-who (for those of you who don't know who this is, they can also be referred to as 'The Fool') it became a daily dilemma. I thought of so many horrible but beautiful ways to do it too, but my cowardice never allowed me to do it. And of course, there are about 6 people (4 of those being family members) on this earth who I could never leave of my own free will, no matter how important or not important I am to them it will never change that they are all I live for (besides God of course). You will never know how important to me you are guys, never ever think that you are worthless, you have proved your worth countless times to me (and many other people). If you are reading this, you are one of those 6. And none of the family ones know where this is. If they found this stuff out...woohoo! That'd be bad. Although just thinking about it is making me laugh quite hysterically in my head).
I've always been taught that people who commit suicide won't get into heaven. Do you think that's true? Just a bit of a sidenote there.
I know I was gonna save you all from my issues and stuff by not telling you where this blog is, but I thought maybe if you read this it might help you understand that I've really been having issues this whole time (ie. I've pretty much been lying about lots of stuff, I pretend I don't know things when I know for a fact what the answer is, but now I'm telling you the truth, and I'm all a horrible person and stuff, blah blah blah) and I really don't want to burden you with my junk or anything. I just cover it up all too well. And I need to get it out, and telling it to myself really didn't do as much as I'd hoped. So, the choice is up to you. You can continue to read this or not, but if you do be warned, I'm planning to say anything on here. Don't be offended, don't feel obligated to do anything, just read and understand. Or don't understand. It's open. I'm just saying how I feel.
I think the fact of the matter is that I'm lonely. When I'm with you guys it's all good, you guys are so much fun and are really the only good point in my life. So don't even listen to me if I'm in a bad mood. I'll probably say things to purposely get you mad at me just cuz it makes me feel better, but I don't mean it at all. Ever.
Anyway, I guess I'll let you leave now. I love you all. ('all' at the most there should be two of you, anyone else is INTRUDING on my personal thoughts. So go away if I didn't tell you where this is).
Thursday, February 05, 2004
And now I feel like crying cuz I have no idea how I'm gonna be able to make enough money for all my plane tickets.
And now this blog is no longer quite so private. But oh well, I'll just write like it is and if you don't like it then don't read it. This is my complaining and innermost feelings blog, like my journal that everyone wanted to read, except I don't feel like writing in there. I could post all my previous journal entries on here, but that'd be highly depressing. So I shan't unless specific requests come along.
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
I am not going to mention names on this blog, in case someone stumbles across it unwittingly in their ambles through the wildernness that is the world wide web.
So, I am fiendishly jealous of 'you-know-who'. Actually, no I'm not, I'm jealous of the friends that have suddenly become so very important. Honestly, you-know-who doesn't even talk to us anymore really, they just eat and talk to their new friends. Obviously sed friends are more important than us because you-know-who only hung out with the gang before they befriended. I know I should be happy that they are such a nice person with so many friends. but I've seriously never been this jealous or angry before in my life.
